Have you ever felt that rush of relief when you dodge a stressful situation? Maybe you’ve put off a difficult conversation, scrolled through your phone instead of facing a daunting task, or told yourself you’re too busy to deal with what’s really bothering you. In those moments, avoidance feels like an instant win, an escape hatch from discomfort. But here’s the catch: while avoidance brings short-term relief, it often quietly fuels the very anxiety you’re trying to run from. Over time, it can make the situations you avoid seem even bigger and more stressful causing anxiety and overwhelm.
Avoidance shows up in subtle ways:
Staying Busy: Ever notice how you suddenly become super productive when anxious? You might find yourself tackling every work task or scrubbing the kitchen, convincing yourself you’re being productive. But often, this busyness is a distraction, a way to keep from confronting what’s really happening beneath the surface.
Focusing on Others: Maybe you’re the person always there for everyone else. Supporting friends, family, or colleagues feels good, but it can also become a way to avoid your own emotional needs. This pattern, sometimes called the rescuer complex, masks your own vulnerabilities. It’s easier to focus outward than to face the discomfort of expressing your own needs or struggles.
Dodging Social Interactions: Declining invites, leaving events early, or even avoiding eye contact can seem protective in the moment. But these habits create a cycle of isolation that only makes social anxiety worse over time.
Why Do We Avoid? (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)
Avoidance is deeply rooted in human survival instincts. Our ancestors needed to steer clear of danger to stay alive, and that instinct is still wired into us. Today, our dangers aren’t physical but emotional, like fear of failure, rejection, or discomfort. But our brains don’t know the difference; they still react as if these are life-threatening situations, pushing us to retreat.
Avoidance becomes especially tricky when facing the unknown: starting a new job, moving house, or entering a new relationship. The temptation to stay in our comfort zone can be strong, but doing so limits our growth and opportunities for a fulfilling life. The good news? There are simple, practical steps we can take to tackle the avoidance trap head-on.
Three Steps to Build Confidence and Break Free from Avoidance
Gradual Exposure: Break down the situation you’re avoiding into smaller, manageable steps. Start with the least anxiety-provoking and build your way up. This gradual approach allows you to prove that you can handle discomfort, boosting confidence and reducing anxiety over time.
Reframe Your Thoughts: Avoidance often comes from assuming the worst. But here’s a fact: 85% of our concerns don’t come true, and the ones that do are usually much less severe than expected. When you notice these catastrophic thoughts, challenge them. Ask yourself, "What’s the evidence for this?" or "What’s a more realistic outcome?" Reframing these thoughts helps you develop a balanced perspective, making it easier to face challenging situations.
Visualisation and Brain Training: Visualisation isn’t just about imagining success; it’s a powerful tool for rewiring your brain. Picture yourself calmly and successfully managing the situation you’re avoiding. By practising this regularly, you train your brain to predict positive outcomes instead of defaulting to fear. Over time, this practice reduces the impulse to avoid, making confident action feel natural.
Avoidance may feel like a safe haven, but it doesn’t have to control you. With small, steady steps, you can begin to shift the patterns that hold you back and move toward a life of more freedom and growth.
References: Leahy, R.L. (2005). The worry cure : seven steps to stop worry from stopping you. New York: Harmony Books.
Eagleman, D. (2016). Incognito : the secret lives of the brain. New York: Vintage Books.
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